This is a collection of one-liners, most of which I've found in e-mail signatures.
Q: Is there a newsgroup for astrology?
A: Why don't you consult the stars and find out?
God, please make me forget all those insignificant details, and please do it beginning from tomonrrow 15:25:13 EST."
A topologist is a man who doesn't know the difference between a coffee cup and a doughnut.
A statistician can have his head in an oven and his feet in ice, and he will say that on the average he feels fine.
In the beginning of time, there was nothing. And then, even that exploded!
Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.
If debugging is the art of removing bugs, then programming must be the art of putting them in.
I don't care who you are, you are not walking on the water while I'm fishing
What good is someone who can walk over water, if you can't follow in his footsteps?
These are not the opinions of my employer.
Wait -- yes they are... I'm self-employed.
These are my words. My employer's words are often spoken in haste, and rarely resemble my compassionate prose.
Pro is to con as Progress is to Congress.
The difference between the Apple Child Care Center and the rest of Apple is that the Apple Child Care Center has adult supervision.
DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use wordwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form. (New York Times, November 26, 1991)
Windows 95: It Sucks Less.
I'm not a nerd -- I'm "socially challenged".
A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age.
Vrij verstandig, neuk een appel -- Herman van Loenhout
Virginity can be cured.
Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs.
If you don't know where you want to go, we'll make sure you get taken. -- Microsoft ad slogan, translated into Japanese.
The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open. -- Women's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL
Don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die. -- Men's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
A day without sunshine is like, night.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Nothing is fool-proof to a talented fool. (Or: Make it idiot proof, and someone will make a better idiot.)
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
I intend to live forever - so far so good.
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
When everything's coming your way, you're going the wrong way.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
Change is inevitable except from vending machines.
How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand.
Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
If your nose runs and your feet smell, you're built upside down.
It doesn't matter what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.
Time is what keeps things from happening all at once
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
Few women admit their age, few men act it.
I don't suffer from insanity, i enjoy every minute of it.
Love: two vowels, two consonants, two fools.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Lottery: a tax on people who are bad at math.
There are three kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.
Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.
It's not denial; I'm just very selective about the reality I accept. -- Calvin
What's the difference between Microsoft Windows and Jurassic Park? One is a fantasy theme park populated with dinosaurs, and the other is a movie.
I want to die peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming, terrified, like his passengers.
I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.
I'm not just a gardener, I'm a Plant Manager.
My Reality Check bounced.
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
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